The past is another country. It wasn't one I visited often, and I used to think that those who lived in it had something amiss with them. Why live in the past when there is a wonderful present? But now there is something amiss with me and the past is where I prefer to be. It increasingly takes up my thoughts, not just because I'm writing this, but because I don't want to be in the present. It's an awful thing not to want to be in the present. It's not even as if there aren't many good things in my life now, because there are, but unfortunately all of that is overshaddowed by the past; not the old precious past, but the more recent grief-filled past. And I feel guilty that I can't be happy in the present because I do have much to be happy about, and my daughters are very precious to me and I worry that they may think that they aren't enough for me. They are, but not having their father and brother around is so painful that it spills over into every other aspect of my life.
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avrilo
- Thursday, 12. Oct, 2006 @ 16:40:40
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FlowersInMyHair
- Thursday, 12. Oct, 2006 @ 19:12:33
Yes, the past is a very pleasant place to be, and I get a lot of comfort from it. I think music is very evocative of the past. Have you got any recordings of your music, perchance?
I think my daughters do understand, but they worry about me, so I am trying to get more involved with the present, to find more joy in it, and I am succeeding to some extent, but it takes time. I think I have tried to hurry things along a little, and grief won't be hurried.-
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avrilo
- Friday, 13. Oct, 2006 @ 19:57:01
I have lots of recordings, mostly on cassette of live performances with different bands I've been in and also solo stuff.
I do have a cd of Scarabella, we've sold quite a few, enough to have paid the fees for the studio we recorded it in. If you were interested, PM me and I would send you a copy at the price I buy them for rather than the 10 pounds we usually charge. I don't want any credit card number, so don't worry about that. Actually, it's 3 pounds. Ah, sod it, I'll just send you a copy if you want one. PM me your address.-
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FlowersInMyHair
- Tuesday, 24. Oct, 2006 @ 12:31:47
Thank you very much for sending the CD. I've really enjoyed listening to it.
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avrilo
- Saturday, 28. Oct, 2006 @ 18:30:01
Thanks. I'm really glad I sent it to you.
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avrilo
- Thursday, 12. Oct, 2006 @ 16:42:59
Your site is lovely with the trees. This is one of the nicest sites I've come across.
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FlowersInMyHair
- Thursday, 12. Oct, 2006 @ 19:15:44
Thank you very much. I'm so glad you like it. I love trees and find then very calming. The photograph that I used both for the header, and for the main body is of my garden, taken from my living room. I never tire of that view. It soothes my soul.
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avrilo
- Friday, 13. Oct, 2006 @ 20:00:17
It's a beautiful view!
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FlowersInMyHair
- Tuesday, 24. Oct, 2006 @ 18:21:18
Thank you.
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isadora101
- Sunday, 15. Oct, 2006 @ 23:32:36
No wonder you never tire of the view from your living room window, it's a truly lovely and natural sight.
The blog owner changed this comment on Thursday, 23. Nov, 2006 20:51:49-
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FlowersInMyHair
- Tuesday, 24. Oct, 2006 @ 18:00:00
Thank you, Isadora, I'm glad you like it. It certainly soothes the spirit.
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husbandorcat
- Monday, 23. Oct, 2006 @ 10:05:28
This is an answer to several posts... sorry I haven't been around much lately.
When I read your post 'When I couldn't stop smiling' I thought, 'I don't remember a time when I've ever felt like that', but I didn't want to post that as a comment because I didn't want to bring you down with my angst - I have enough places to put that!
For me, happiness comes in short, intense bursts, rather than being a long term, enduring thing. So, a happy memory for me is looking into my son's eyes for the first time, but not his babyhood, which I found quite hellish.
The important thing is that we face up to our feelings and keep going, and know that, just as the good times don’t last, neither do the bad, and there is always a chance for a small moment of joy, like a shaft of sunlight through the trees.
Like you I have a beautiful garden and a comfortable life, which I am very grateful for, but it is a mistake to think that those things ‘should’ be enough, and that somehow we are at fault if we don’t always feel happy.
You have had a lot of sadness in your life, and you can’t expect it not to leave scars. I’m sure your daughters know this and don’t blame you, so please don’t blame yourself.
Take care,
Bel/Mel/Cass
x
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FlowersInMyHair
- Tuesday, 24. Oct, 2006 @ 18:23:07
Yes, I was very fortunate to have had a time that was almost perfect. Eventually things happened that tempered that joy, but the memory of it is still strong, and I try to draw on it to keep me going when I'm feeling low. Doesn't always work, but it helps a lot of the time.
Happiness is good, no matter how it comes, and short bursts are to be treasured too. I hope that you've had many of these short bursts - looking into your child's eyes for the first time is an amazing moment. I'm sorry you didn't enjoy your son's babyhood, and I hope things improved as he got older.
I agree with you entirely that a beautiful garden and a comfortable life are not enough to make us happy. I was happiest when I didn't have those things - I had someone who loved me very much, and that was enough for me. I have had a lot of sadness, and I can never be happy in the way I once was ever again, no matter what happens, but I can look forward to those small moments of joy, like a shaft of sunlight through the trees. Thank you for putting it so beautifully.
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That's very understandable. I like to dwell in the past sometimes, especially when it comes to having performed musically and enjoying it. I don't perform so much these days. I am lucky in that my most favourite people are around, though I have lost some lovely friends. Those special moments that you share with some will never be forgotten.
You will get involved in the present when you want to. I'm sure your daughters understand.