I grew up believing I was ugly. As you can see from my photo, I wasn't, but because I had a younger sister who had what seemed like all the attention, I thought I must be unattractive. It's not that my sister was prettier than me, because everyone says she wasn't, but she had that certain something, that little spark that I lacked, so people were more drawn to her than to myself. My mother never mentioned anything about my attractiveness, but rather she criticised me at every opportunity, although she says she was doing it to make me better. Better in what way, I'd like to know. All that happened was that I was really insecure, very shy and blushed dreadfully whenever anyone spoke to me. My sister, on the other hand, knew she had attractive physical qualities: everyone used to remark on her curly hair and her dimples. My hair was straight, but it was no less beautiful than hers, and I had dimples too, albeit not so pronounced as hers. But the odd thing is, I never even realised I had them. Because no one mentioned them, because I never smiled at myself in the mirror, because you couldn't really see them on the photographs we had, I just thought I hadn't got them. It took a long time for me to realise that I was actually attractive. Even when I was voted the prettiest girl in the class in the fifth form, I still had difficulty in believing it.
-
- Sunday, 08. Oct, 2006 @ 20:13:21
-
- Monday, 09. Oct, 2006 @ 01:22:56
Oh, we certainly do get the wrong idea sometimes about what our parents really want. I wonder what our children thought we wanted of them?
-
- Sunday, 08. Oct, 2006 @ 20:29:49
I spent most of my childhood and adolescence convinced that actually I WAS a boy, but somehow no one had noticed... after all, how could a girl be THAT ugly???
Even though I knew about periods, when they started (I was almost 16) I was still convinced there had to be some kind of mistake...-
- Monday, 09. Oct, 2006 @ 01:34:19
That must have been very strange, being convinced you were a boy, and very difficult for you. Your mind must have been in turmoil. Were you unaware that boys had something you did not? Did your parents make you believe you were ugly, or was it some idea you formed independent of them, and how did you come to realise that you weren't? How did you manage to get used to the idea that you were a girl after all? It must have required a tremendous adjustment in your way of thinking.
-
- Monday, 09. Oct, 2006 @ 20:02:42
I realised I couldn't be a 'normal' boy, but I thought I must be some kind of weird hermaphrodite, neither one thing nor the other. I guess those thoughts went away after my periods started.
I've discovered recently that there is actually an extremely rare condition which causes baby boys to be misidentified at birth.
My parents didn't tell me I was ugly, I can remember at an early age arguing with them if they suggested I was pretty, and telling them in no uncertian terms that no, I was plain. It was other kids at school who told me I was sexless (or made me feel that way).
My mother always had my hair cut short, though, which probably contirbuted to the fact that I was frequently mistaken for a boy. I have memories of that still happening in my twenties.
As to when I came to realise that I wasn't 'ugly', I'm not sure I've ever really shaken off those feelings. It always amazes me if anyone reacts towards me as though they think I'm attractive. This would make me a pushover for lots of men - except that they either don't realise it, or maybe are just not interested after all.
http://husbandorcat.blog.co.uk/2006/05/21/self_image~818141-
- Monday, 09. Oct, 2006 @ 22:52:04
Do you know, I very nearly mentioned about those boys when I replied to your comment yesterday. I read about them years ago - it happens in some village in Africa (if I remember rightly) and it doesn't become obvious they are boys until they reach puberty and testosterone kicks in. Everybody in the village just takes it in their stride though.
I'm glad it wasn't your parents who made you feel unattractive, however, having your hair cut short can't have helped. I read that post you've given the link to, although I had forgotten it, so it was interesting to read again. How do we get these ideas in our head, I wonder? The human psyche certainly is very complex. Did/do you have any siblings, by the way? If so, what was their attitude towards you?
I do hope you don't mind all these questions, but I'm very interested in what makes you tick.
-
- Tuesday, 10. Oct, 2006 @ 09:40:52
I don't mind the questions, just hope you don't mind me putting all my personal stuff on your blog

I have an older brother and sister (sister 6 years older than me, brother 4 years older than me). They always just treated me as the annoying little sister. I grew up feeling like some kind of spare part - as I've been exploring since I started counselling again.-
- Tuesday, 10. Oct, 2006 @ 16:29:03
No, I don't mind at all. In fact I like it. I like that my memories bring back memories for my friends here, although so far I don't seem to have elicited a happy one from you; but there's time. I've got loads of things to write about, if you care to read it all. No problem if you don't though.
I'm glad you started the counselling, and hopefully it's the right time for you to be doing it now.
I must ask my younger daughter how she felt about being the youngest in the family, although I do think she was fine - always very positive and full of self-confidence.
You'll probably agree that it's as much the nature of the child as its position within the family that determines how they feel.
-
- Tuesday, 17. Oct, 2006 @ 12:37:04
you know, you can be pretty on the outside but ugly on the inside which is what your sister is. I think you are beautiful within and out, which is a million times better than just a pretty face. by the way, you have that same look your son did on that beautiful photo.
-
- Tuesday, 24. Oct, 2006 @ 12:16:10
Thank you, RR, this comment of yours means the world to me.
You've managed to encapsulate in it what is most important for me to know - it says so much more than the words used to express it. I love you very much.
MarikaSunSeeker
Ha, I spent half of my child hood trying to be a boy, because somehow I had the impression that is what my parents wanted, (I was their third daughter) I think, sometimes we get the wrong idea, don't you?